so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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