Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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