I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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