the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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