In America we eat man semen.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
