do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
