Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
