Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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