Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
