haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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