My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
