3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
