walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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