dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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