please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize