Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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