I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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