Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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