god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she peed on how many people?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
