Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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