We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
