i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
