i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
