Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
two words...techno handjob
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
