I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
