This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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