I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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