i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
