I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
