She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
