I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
