I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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