he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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