You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
