no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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