dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize