I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
