So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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