I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm jealous of your bromance
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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