Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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