Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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