Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it's like heaven, but drunker
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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