My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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