I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
