I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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