I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
