I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
