Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
