One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
