That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
