Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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