So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I lost the right to judge tonight
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
