Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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