Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
