You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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