I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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