Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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