when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
