I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
