When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
