Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
