Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
