apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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