I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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