I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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