kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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